Thirty two days

My momentum has gone. The simple things that I should be doing, the phone calls, the emails, the follow ups, paper work, to do lists, filing.. I’m winning if I get one thing done a day. I’ve gone from the frenetic pace of spinning 50 plates in the air to wading through mud. Worse, I’m snacking on everything. I’ve got stuff to do, I’m not doing it, and I’m standing in front of fridge picking at leftovers that don’t taste good, that I don’t want, purely because it gives me something to do instead of all the stuff I should be doing and am not.

People have told me to take time for myself, but I don’t know what to do with the time. I can’t do nothing, because then it’s me thinking about how my sister should be here. Go for walks? That’s what I always used to do but now I’m hyper aware of all the minutiae that’s waiting for me when I get back.

My friends have been amazing. I love talking to them, and without those video chat and phone calls – an even some social distance face to face time! -I don’t know what I would do. Thing is my current topics of conversation tend to revolve around my to do list, my grief, or the family members that are under my care whose mental health is becoming a borderline obsession of mine. Normally when I don’t feel like talking about my life, I read the news and find something else to chat about there, but have you seen the news? There’s no light relief there! Nor are there buckets of fun future plans to be made beyond a vague wishful thinking statement of, “When the pandemic is over…” And really, with our numbers increasing so dramatically and the virus mutating to become hardier that statement should be “If I survive the pandemic…

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2 thoughts on “Thirty two days

  1. You need something to look after. I’m not saying a dog or llama, but neither a stick insect or gold fish. How about a house rabbit or guinea pig? X

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Im very grateful to find you’ve written your blog. I’m thinking of you often and it makes me feel like we are almost having a conversation! I’d love to chat when you have time. We should set up a time so I’m not interrupted by my crazy boss/kids/husband and also to ensure I’m not drunk. Love you xx

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