Vampire Bats and Zombie Mice

I need a break from politics.  All I can see is doom and gloom, and the rapid crumbling of freedom ahead of us.

So on a cheerier note, let’s talk about vampire bats going rogue and feasting on humans.  Yep, this is happening.  In Brazil.

There are three types of vampire bat in the world, and one of them, the rather adorable hairy-legged vampire bat, primarily feeds on birds.  However its food source is becoming a bit shy these days so the hirsute limbed bat has turned to humans for a wee drinky.  This is one of those situations where we’ve really only got ourselves to blame, the birds are becoming scarce due to the construction development of their habitats ….ahhh.  Pretty shit for the birds all round: get eaten by bats versus homeless and hungry.

Nobody’s worried about vampire bats leaving a trail of exsanguinated corpses behind (they’re teeny tiny little things), but the transmission of rabies could be cause for concern.  Having said that, researchers studying the bats are quick to point out that apparently the bats don’t find us very appetizing, our blood lacks the correct fat to protein ratio.  I’m not remotely reassured by that, the foods that I crave are the ones that are nutritional hell for me.  I’ve never dragged myself from the sofa late at night due to an uncontrollable craving for radishes.  Who’s to say there’s not some addict prone bats out there?

The other piece of this story that prickles uncomfortably is the thought that somebody, somewhere is working on DNA splicing, and in an immensely inquisitive and sleep-deprived state of mind, might be saying, “You know it would be a scientifically interesting experiment to see if we could create an actual vampire, haw, haw, haw.  Only joking chaps… but coincidentally my roommate Reginald is working in the bat lab tonight…”

Ah well, what more could happen?

Mutant killer mice.  That’s what else could happen.

This is no jest.  Basically  scientists have isolated the neurons in mice that are responsible for hunting, and have figured out how to stimulate those neurons with blasts of electromagnetic waves (light rays folks).  When the neurons are exposed to the e-m waves, those mice go out of freaking control attacking and mauling everything from crickets to bottle tops.  If the mice are hungry, the aggression multiplies.

Sooooo, how long before that’s being applied to soldiers, do you reckon?  We should run a pool. A couple of years?  Couple of months?  Testing started last week?  Place your bets ladies and gentlemen.

Interestingly enough, the mice don’t attack other mice in this artificially stimulated state.  Let us hope it stays that way … Disneyland won’t be the same with Cannibal Mickey.

Ooh one tiny little thing that’s politically related.  Molester McFascist has announced  the wall is going ahead, and that at the start it will be the taxpayers who are funding the wall (Gosh, that’s a surprise.  He said Mexico would pay for it.  I am very surprised.  Are you surprised? Everyone else surprised?), but then by golly Mexico would hand over the dosh.  No mention of the taxpayers ever getting a wall-more-than-half-of-us-think-is-stupid refund……..

Anyhoo, I had this thought.  Say that this wall gets built.  Say it’s 20 feet high and made of impenetrable steel… you could put it to good use.  You could host the world’s largest, most challenging, volleyball tournament.  You could use it for handball courts, tennis practice, put baseball diamonds all the way along it.  It could become a mecca for aspiring tight rope walkers.  Make large tableaus of Humpty Dumpty and the King’s men and horses armed with tubes of super glue.  There’s a whole host of things to be done with it: vertical gardening – that’d be nice.  Or sticking with the gardening theme, on the Mexico side you could dump lots of soil, compost, green waste at the base of the wall until it forms a gentle slope down from the top, and chuck in some flower seeds… poppies maybe, are they drought tolerant?  .. and then after a few months you’d end up with a delightful garden where people could stroll up for a picnic, and have a jolly afternoon out watching the border patrol and seeing what the eccentric neighbours next door are up to.


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