How do You Steal 500 Cows?

Question, how do you steal 500 cows?
Nope, not a joke. Although I do welcome suggestions for a killer punchline. All I could come up with was a pun about Mooooooving them quietly.


Anyhoo, a farm in Ashburton (English place, lots of rural charm) has a herd of thirteen hundred cows, or rather had.  Last week, the farmer noticed that approximately five hundred of her cows were missing.

According to (miscellaneous website that appears to have no reputation whatsoever, either disreputable or reputable, nor do I have any reason to believe it is a source of accurate facts) the average cattle trailer can fit around sixty cows.  So this burglary either necessitated the successful herding and loading of five hundred cattle into nine massive vehicles without anyone noticing, or they called in the Pied Piper of Hamburger.

Assuming that fairy tale kidnappers are not real, and do not moonlight as cattle rustlers, how did they do it?  Really, have you met a cow?  They are fucking huge, and they don’t particularly want to do anything, let alone wake up from a good night’s sleep and trot obediently into a get-away car without making any noise.

Was there perhaps a squadron of blimps and hot air balloons silently waiting above the cloud cover until the farmer turned out the lights for the night, before floating down with the stealth of a greased cougar, armed with grappling hooks and winches and a multitude of sturdy harnesses?

You know, if you just take a moment to close your eyes and picture that scene, you will find it immensely rewarding.

Anyway, all theories gratefully accepted…along with punchlines.


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