I quit my job yesterday.
I’ve been in Los Angeles since 2007 and now it’s time to leave. So I had to quit my job because sadly I never drifted into the career that would pay me to swan around the world and not deliver anything more than empty promises.
I’ve been with this company for seven years, and it was my intention to speak eloquently on how much I appreciated working in a field about which I was truly passionate, and how my years with the company had given me the opportunity for great professional and personal growth. I wanted the chance to express with dignified warmth the high esteem in which I placed individuals within the organisation. I pictured myself saying all of this with an aura of tranquil calm and enigmatic poise.
I have also imagined myself scoring the winning try for Wales in the final of the rugby world cup, so I doubt anyone will be surprised to learn I started sobbing before I finished my first sentence, and continued to weepily ramble for 15 minutes. Mortification set in pretty quickly and stayed with me until the next day.
My colleague and I started discussing interview questions for my possible replacement, because whilst a varied skill set is useful, attitude and having a compatible outlook with your co-workers is everything.
We narrowed down the questions to the following:
- 400 people turn up to an event when you were expecting only 100, and two of your staff members don’t show up. Do you:
- A – Cry
- B – Cancel the event
- C – Laugh hysterically before saying in a loud, jolly voice, “How wonderful to have such a large turn out!
2. When is it acceptable to stop for Starbucks?
- A – In the morning if you are going somewhere before breakfast
- B – Never, you don’t purchase items from large corporate chains
- C – Unless you’re running really late for an event then any time of day or night, in fact you should adjust all travel time to include a tea stop.
3. It is the day before an event. You booked all the staff for two weeks ago. You have sat down with them at a meeting and gone through the event step by step, and they swear blind that all the materials are prepped and ready. You have worked 11 hours already, and are ready to go home. Do you:
- A – Go home, run a bubble bath and then go directly to bed
- B – Go home, pour yourself a large drink, and phone someone so you can vent.
- C – Either A or B, but only after you have sent reminder texts to all the staff and double checked that the supplies really are prepped and ready, because you don’t trust anyone.
4. Which of the following describes you best?
- A – Efficient, reliable, likes to things to run like clockwork.
- B – Personable, quick on your feet, and flexible.
- C – Slightly OCD; so good at putting on a cheerful face you should win an Oscar; possessing the strength of ten horses and the delicate dexterity of 10 spiders; unfazed by pandemonium, prone to acts of ridiculousness and tomfoolery when the opportunity allows.
Speaking of spiders, I saw a massive one creeping across the wall, and now it is hiding behind the TV. I am permitting it to stay the night as long as it stays behind the TV. And if it’s there longer than a day I shall be charging rent.